Pining / Loving

29th June.

You're getting married tomorrow. I keep repeating these words back to myself while playing out our entire childhood and growing up in my mind. You were my closest friend, my biggest confidante, the first boy i had a crush on, the first boy i kissed, the first boy i pined for. I wanted you even when you didn't want me. I cared for you even before you started noticing that I did. You made growing up harder and better and full of sadness and beauty and a whole lot of emotions that may have been love. I did love you. And now, today, as I keep thinking about you getting married tomorrow, I cant help but think about the 16 year old who nervously dreamt of a lifetime together. The kid who hung around from windows and balconies hoping to get one glimpse of you. The one who'd patiently wait on the terrace looking out at the road to see you coming back from college. The one who'd wait for the clock to strike 5 every evening. The one who settled to be your friend because she couldn't be anything else. The one who'd see you fall in love and get your heart broken and go away to boarding school while silently and desperately wanting you. The one who conjured perfect moments for us in her head. The one who was so scared to have you fall in love with me, but was so grateful you did. The one who felt magic when we got lost in each other with the sunset behind us. The one who looked forward to your hugs.

You sucked too btw. You made me feel scared and small and helpless at times. You made me feel left out and cold and lonely. I think I pined for you much much more than I loved you. And that's possibly why I loved you so. I wanted you and I couldn't have you. I had you and then we didn't last. And now - i don't know.

And there were so many reasons we couldn't be together. We still can't. Obviously, one  because you're getting married tomorrow. And my 16 year old self feels sad and left out once again, and the memories keep coming back with a strength that's almost making me giddy. What had happened to the love I had for you? Was it waiting quietly until today to come back as grief and longing? From tomorrow, youre officially, legally, somebody else's. And whatever these feelings are - this sadness of my 16 year old whose dream of a lifetime together ends tomorrow - will become unacceptable, almost criminal. So for the last time today, and like the countless times before while growing up, here's my feelings for you, uttered in silence, me to myself. 

 Wanting you, not being wanted by you, and then eventually being loved by you was a teenage dream come true.

So so long - and thanks for all the memories.