In an ideal world, we'd be together.
In an ideal world, I'd learn the anticipation of meeting you everyday, of stealing furtive glances and deciphering your words. I'd learn the thrills of realisation, and the bewildering happiness of falling in love. In an ideal world, I'd learn to call your college mine. I'd learn of evenings strolling with you, along paths I could never dare to love. I'd learn of days throbbing with the passion of a thousand hearts,and maybe, amidst all the chaos and conversation, we'd weave our own corner of respite. In an ideal world, we'd be perfect.

But in our scattered little world, we'd be far from perfect. We'd be dangerously human, almost toppling over in our frenzied attempts to love. I'd learn of days that would burst forth with a dazzling brightness for we'd finally gather a few hours after a week-long wait. I'd learn of the ensuing disappointments, and the bitterness of not living up to desires. I'd learn of personal struggles and fights and discover parts of each other which would go to lengths for love. I'd learn of nights which would see us in ways nobody ever will, and with every fight, every disappointment, we'd fall in love with a renewed promise. Until one day,when things would spiral out of our grasps and we'd be left alone with nobody else but each other. What a terrible irony.

But no matter what,I realise, the magic will linger. It still does, and it always will. It will linger through our days of blending in with reality, through our nights of solitude, and most importantly, through our feeble hearts which beat so anxiously in our anonymous love-notes :)


Written quite some time back, but posting it now, because well, I wrote it?

You try to push the gale, and it topples you over. You get swept away by the wind, get thrashed around by the storm, maybe break a few bones, and at times, even your heart.
But you try pushing a tree, and it stands resolute. Steady, obstinate. Doesn't budge an inch, and instead, you grow a few muscles. You grow stronger. You don't break your bones, but you scathe your hands, get a few wounds. And you never, ever break your heart.

Now, why would anybody in their right mind push the gale? Or the tree, for that matter? Rationality deems it silly.
But then again, Love IS silly, love IS irrational.
Love, is trying. 
Love just is. :)

For You, and Your Denial.

Auburn reminds me of you.
Your eyes, your messed up hair.
Early summer evenings,
The swirl of our coffee.
And the tinge of your skin.

Your smile on the other hand,
Is a burst of marigold.
A favourite
Childhood memory
Like peals of laughter
I could never stop.

And Time
Is a kaleidoscope, with you.
With you,
It's a storm, a breeze,
A city and a street.
And its black and its white,
And shades of grey.
But mostly its a motley
Of love

And love,
And love,
As we know it.

I suck at poetry, but when one feels as deeply as I do, it is a lover's haven.Poetry does what prose fails to articulate, and Love is hardly ever prosaic.
So this is to You, not merely as a means to break your obhimaan, but because I've been meaning to do this for a long,long time, only to be hindered by how mushy I become every single time I sit down and think of us. And because Time has taught me to be cautious, moments like those, love is tinged with a shade of fear. However, you've been a silent teacher as well as a spectator, albeit unintentionally,  and thanks to you, much of my Fear has dissipated into an optimism I wasn't sure I was capable of. But Love, they say, is a magical thing.
It indeed is, and I say that with all of my pragmatism and romanticism in perfect place. :)

'HappiMess'

The night crashes down,silently
A quiet spectator to
My restive thoughts,lying in between
Turning this way and that.
My love,let me unentangle you.
How,i ask myself.
How,i've asked,for the past few months.
I've searched for answers
In you,in me,in the eyes of friends
In old letters and worn out words,
Sudden fragments of my heart pressed within yellow pages
In the poems of poets unknown
In the words of strangers
In the winter sunlight that once made me love.
Maybe she knows? After all,
She did guide me to you-that November breeze
By the riverside.
It did make me love.
It did. But you,
You made me write.
I think i can scrape up enough gratitude
For just that.

This time next year, I'll be fuckin GREAT.
Uniformly happy, not in spasms. I promise.

Tell me,today

So tell me.
When the things they do,or mostly don't,
When the things they say,or choose to withhold,
When it breaks your surprised little heart,beating so boldly away,
What do you do?
Do you get bewildered and shove and chide  your silly heart?
Do you walk like the queen,steely and sharp?
Do you give a nervous laugh,pretend the world didn't just quiver?
Do you simply be, silent and scared,think no further, do not care?

Or do you give in,to the hurt that flows,and crouch into words that have long outgrown?

Me, you and I.

-Hi.

-Hey,I'd been waiting for you.

-Sorry,I'm late. I told you i had folks over. I'd to wait until they left.

-Yes,i thought so. I remembered.

- Its a good thing,you remember the details.

 -It doesn't take a lot to remember if you want to.

-Well,people hardly seem to care about the details anymore. They'll understand  how you're feeling, but they'll never care.

-I know. But aren't the tiniest of things, the ones you can never seem to get a grasp on, the most attractive of all?

- Yes, I think I feel the best, when I can understand,no wait, empathise with someone so completely that it seems unbelievable. It may be ephemeral, the feeling, but you know, if I can just get a glimpse of someone's vulnerabilities, and understand it, not the words merely, but the feelings too, I feel overwhelmed. Its not much of an achievement, but then again, it is.

-You're quite a romantic.

-Aren't you?

-Well, I am a romantic,but I'm no fool,you know. I learnt early never to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't insinuate anymore. I don't believe in creating mysteries. Enigmas don't last,you see through them eventually. Why not just be the way you are? That's what you'll eventually be,anyway.

-So you're scared.

-Really,that's what filtered through?

-You are. I get it. I'm scared too. But its pointless,isn't it? Our consistent futile attempts at hiding our vulnerabilities. I understand why,but its still sad. I think that's what i want,you know. Never to be scared,at least,not with the one i love. I want to be completely unapologetic about myself.

-Well,aren't you?

-Not always. You know how a relationship works. And I'm a bundle of paradoxes when it comes to conflicts. But then again,everyone is. All i want when I fight with him is for him to love me. I say mean things,not to hurt him, but to make him realise that I'm hurt,dammit. Just hug it out,and we'll be good. But things get so complicated,lost in translation, covered in this constant need to protect ourselves. I won't lie,I do it too. I defend myself the first thing,before saying anything else. I'm working on it,though. And its easier because I think I don't have a towering ego.

- Is everything okay?

- Yes,it is. I'm telling you how people are in general.

- You're right. But self defence is instinctive,don't you think? Can you ever tame it?

- Self defence is instinctive,yes. But you know, I'd realised something when i was quite small myself. I don't quite care about right or wrong. If somebody I love is hurt because of something I did, I should be sorry. Forget about morality,somebody felt bad because of me. That has always been more important to me.

-Isn't that a little too prudish? Slightly so. Too ideal.

-But I did. And I told you,i realised this quite early. When morals were pretty black and white,not bifurcated into ambiguities like now. So deep down,its always been there. Even if i know I'm right, I'd feel guilty.

- Can i ask you something?

- Sure.

-Would you ever want to be with me? Romantically,i mean. Do you think we could ever fall in love?

-Uh,what?

-No,don't get me wrong. I'm curious about what you think. I hadn't thought about this either,until right now.

- Well,I love the way you think. I think its beautiful that we share a similar sensitivity. But i don't think I'd want to fall in love with you,the conventional way. I don't think I'd ever want to be in a relationship with you. I think we'd lose this then. I think we're the closest we can be over all this distance and we'd grow apart if we get any closer.

-So you like the mystery? The half baked idea of what we are.

- Half baked? I don't think so. Why does it have to be complete,only if we name our understanding and maintain a so called commitment? Why can't this so called half baked  understanding be the complete picture? This is it. This is beautiful. Its not because I'm scared. Its because I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with half baked relationships.

-So you're not even slightly curious? How it might be? I know I am.

- That's mostly how most relationships begin,you know. Because we're curious,not because we feel it in our bones,but because we're simply curious and we have no idea of what we're doing. Its not a deliberate or a malicious thing. Its instinctive.

-You didn't answer my question.

-Of course I'm curious. I'd like to see how it turns out. But i also know that i wouldn't. I love you,the way you are as i imagine you to be. But to be with you is to really be with all of you. Not just your idea or sensitivity. But with the whole of you,with your flesh and bones and skin. Don't get me wrong. I'm no misanthrope. Nor would I disregard you for something like looks. But its probably as superficial,or far far deeper than that. You might be the most beautiful person on earth,but you'd still fall short,eventually,of the guy in my head. And that's natural,for you're only too human. I love to know how you feel and i love to know what you think. But i don't think I'd like to know anything more personal than that. I wouldn't want to know the tiny annoying things you do,like never be on time,or the way you snort when you laugh.

-So you like my idea,not me.

-Isn't that all we have, of each other? We've never met.

- I'd love to someday. Unplanned,accidental,maybe on an unexpected morning in the most general place of all. It would be terrific. 

- Concepts,ideas, they destroy relationships, don't you think? An idea  of what should be? So what if it isn't? I don't think we'll feel terrific when we meet, if we at all do. I think we'd feel awkward.

- You're romantic in the most cynical way possible.

- Am I? I don't find that offensive,though.

- I know. Anyway,I'll be off now.. Same time, tomorrow?

-Yes, talk to you soon. Bye.