-Hi.
-Hey,I'd been waiting for you.
-Sorry,I'm late. I told you i had folks over. I'd to wait until they left.
-Yes,i thought so. I remembered.
- Its a good thing,you remember the details.
-It doesn't take a lot to remember if you want to.
-Well,people hardly seem to care about the details anymore. They'll understand how you're feeling, but they'll never care.
-I know. But aren't the tiniest of things, the ones you can never seem to get a grasp on, the most attractive of all?
- Yes, I think I feel the best, when I can understand,no wait, empathise with someone so completely that it seems unbelievable. It may be ephemeral, the feeling, but you know, if I can just get a glimpse of someone's vulnerabilities, and understand it, not the words merely, but the feelings too, I feel overwhelmed. Its not much of an achievement, but then again, it is.
-You're quite a romantic.
-Aren't you?
-Well, I am a romantic,but I'm no fool,you know. I learnt early never to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't insinuate anymore. I don't believe in creating mysteries. Enigmas don't last,you see through them eventually. Why not just be the way you are? That's what you'll eventually be,anyway.
-So you're scared.
-Really,that's what filtered through?
-You are. I get it. I'm scared too. But its pointless,isn't it? Our consistent futile attempts at hiding our vulnerabilities. I understand why,but its still sad. I think that's what i want,you know. Never to be scared,at least,not with the one i love. I want to be completely unapologetic about myself.
-Well,aren't you?
-Not always. You know how a relationship works. And I'm a bundle of paradoxes when it comes to conflicts. But then again,everyone is. All i want when I fight with him is for him to love me. I say mean things,not to hurt him, but to make him realise that I'm hurt,dammit. Just hug it out,and we'll be good. But things get so complicated,lost in translation, covered in this constant need to protect ourselves. I won't lie,I do it too. I defend myself the first thing,before saying anything else. I'm working on it,though. And its easier because I think I don't have a towering ego.
- Is everything okay?
- Yes,it is. I'm telling you how people are in general.
- You're right. But self defence is instinctive,don't you think? Can you ever tame it?
- Self defence is instinctive,yes. But you know, I'd realised something when i was quite small myself. I don't quite care about right or wrong. If somebody I love is hurt because of something I did, I should be sorry. Forget about morality,somebody felt bad because of me. That has always been more important to me.
-Isn't that a little too prudish? Slightly so. Too ideal.
-But I did. And I told you,i realised this quite early. When morals were pretty black and white,not bifurcated into ambiguities like now. So deep down,its always been there. Even if i know I'm right, I'd feel guilty.
- Can i ask you something?
- Sure.
-Would you ever want to be with me? Romantically,i mean. Do you think we could ever fall in love?
-Uh,what?
-No,don't get me wrong. I'm curious about what you think. I hadn't thought about this either,until right now.
- Well,I love the way you think. I think its beautiful that we share a similar sensitivity. But i don't think I'd want to fall in love with you,the conventional way. I don't think I'd ever want to be in a relationship with you. I think we'd lose this then. I think we're the closest we can be over all this distance and we'd grow apart if we get any closer.
-So you like the mystery? The half baked idea of what we are.
- Half baked? I don't think so. Why does it have to be complete,only if we name our understanding and maintain a so called commitment? Why can't this so called half baked understanding be the complete picture? This is it. This is beautiful. Its not because I'm scared. Its because I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with half baked relationships.
-So you're not even slightly curious? How it might be? I know I am.
- That's mostly how most relationships begin,you know. Because we're curious,not because we feel it in our bones,but because we're simply curious and we have no idea of what we're doing. Its not a deliberate or a malicious thing. Its instinctive.
-You didn't answer my question.
-Of course I'm curious. I'd like to see how it turns out. But i also know that i wouldn't. I love you,the way you are as i imagine you to be. But to be with you is to really be with all of you. Not just your idea or sensitivity. But with the whole of you,with your flesh and bones and skin. Don't get me wrong. I'm no misanthrope. Nor would I disregard you for something like looks. But its probably as superficial,or far far deeper than that. You might be the most beautiful person on earth,but you'd still fall short,eventually,of the guy in my head. And that's natural,for you're only too human. I love to know how you feel and i love to know what you think. But i don't think I'd like to know anything more personal than that. I wouldn't want to know the tiny annoying things you do,like never be on time,or the way you snort when you laugh.
-So you like my idea,not me.
-Isn't that all we have, of each other? We've never met.
- I'd love to someday. Unplanned,accidental,maybe on an unexpected morning in the most general place of all. It would be terrific.
- Concepts,ideas, they destroy relationships, don't you think? An idea of what should be? So what if it isn't? I don't think we'll feel terrific when we meet, if we at all do. I think we'd feel awkward.
- You're romantic in the most cynical way possible.
- Am I? I don't find that offensive,though.
- I know. Anyway,I'll be off now.. Same time, tomorrow?
-Yes, talk to you soon. Bye.
-Hey,I'd been waiting for you.
-Sorry,I'm late. I told you i had folks over. I'd to wait until they left.
-Yes,i thought so. I remembered.
- Its a good thing,you remember the details.
-It doesn't take a lot to remember if you want to.
-Well,people hardly seem to care about the details anymore. They'll understand how you're feeling, but they'll never care.
-I know. But aren't the tiniest of things, the ones you can never seem to get a grasp on, the most attractive of all?
- Yes, I think I feel the best, when I can understand,no wait, empathise with someone so completely that it seems unbelievable. It may be ephemeral, the feeling, but you know, if I can just get a glimpse of someone's vulnerabilities, and understand it, not the words merely, but the feelings too, I feel overwhelmed. Its not much of an achievement, but then again, it is.
-You're quite a romantic.
-Aren't you?
-Well, I am a romantic,but I'm no fool,you know. I learnt early never to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't insinuate anymore. I don't believe in creating mysteries. Enigmas don't last,you see through them eventually. Why not just be the way you are? That's what you'll eventually be,anyway.
-So you're scared.
-Really,that's what filtered through?
-You are. I get it. I'm scared too. But its pointless,isn't it? Our consistent futile attempts at hiding our vulnerabilities. I understand why,but its still sad. I think that's what i want,you know. Never to be scared,at least,not with the one i love. I want to be completely unapologetic about myself.
-Well,aren't you?
-Not always. You know how a relationship works. And I'm a bundle of paradoxes when it comes to conflicts. But then again,everyone is. All i want when I fight with him is for him to love me. I say mean things,not to hurt him, but to make him realise that I'm hurt,dammit. Just hug it out,and we'll be good. But things get so complicated,lost in translation, covered in this constant need to protect ourselves. I won't lie,I do it too. I defend myself the first thing,before saying anything else. I'm working on it,though. And its easier because I think I don't have a towering ego.
- Is everything okay?
- Yes,it is. I'm telling you how people are in general.
- You're right. But self defence is instinctive,don't you think? Can you ever tame it?
- Self defence is instinctive,yes. But you know, I'd realised something when i was quite small myself. I don't quite care about right or wrong. If somebody I love is hurt because of something I did, I should be sorry. Forget about morality,somebody felt bad because of me. That has always been more important to me.
-Isn't that a little too prudish? Slightly so. Too ideal.
-But I did. And I told you,i realised this quite early. When morals were pretty black and white,not bifurcated into ambiguities like now. So deep down,its always been there. Even if i know I'm right, I'd feel guilty.
- Can i ask you something?
- Sure.
-Would you ever want to be with me? Romantically,i mean. Do you think we could ever fall in love?
-Uh,what?
-No,don't get me wrong. I'm curious about what you think. I hadn't thought about this either,until right now.
- Well,I love the way you think. I think its beautiful that we share a similar sensitivity. But i don't think I'd want to fall in love with you,the conventional way. I don't think I'd ever want to be in a relationship with you. I think we'd lose this then. I think we're the closest we can be over all this distance and we'd grow apart if we get any closer.
-So you like the mystery? The half baked idea of what we are.
- Half baked? I don't think so. Why does it have to be complete,only if we name our understanding and maintain a so called commitment? Why can't this so called half baked understanding be the complete picture? This is it. This is beautiful. Its not because I'm scared. Its because I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with half baked relationships.
-So you're not even slightly curious? How it might be? I know I am.
- That's mostly how most relationships begin,you know. Because we're curious,not because we feel it in our bones,but because we're simply curious and we have no idea of what we're doing. Its not a deliberate or a malicious thing. Its instinctive.
-You didn't answer my question.
-Of course I'm curious. I'd like to see how it turns out. But i also know that i wouldn't. I love you,the way you are as i imagine you to be. But to be with you is to really be with all of you. Not just your idea or sensitivity. But with the whole of you,with your flesh and bones and skin. Don't get me wrong. I'm no misanthrope. Nor would I disregard you for something like looks. But its probably as superficial,or far far deeper than that. You might be the most beautiful person on earth,but you'd still fall short,eventually,of the guy in my head. And that's natural,for you're only too human. I love to know how you feel and i love to know what you think. But i don't think I'd like to know anything more personal than that. I wouldn't want to know the tiny annoying things you do,like never be on time,or the way you snort when you laugh.
-So you like my idea,not me.
-Isn't that all we have, of each other? We've never met.
- I'd love to someday. Unplanned,accidental,maybe on an unexpected morning in the most general place of all. It would be terrific.
- Concepts,ideas, they destroy relationships, don't you think? An idea of what should be? So what if it isn't? I don't think we'll feel terrific when we meet, if we at all do. I think we'd feel awkward.
- You're romantic in the most cynical way possible.
- Am I? I don't find that offensive,though.
- I know. Anyway,I'll be off now.. Same time, tomorrow?
-Yes, talk to you soon. Bye.
